When you don't have the words anymore, when things seem to fall away - words, desires, the elements of an everyday routine of life, when you want the sleeping unconsciousness to cross over into reality...I think it's a dark line of storm clouds on the horizon.
I want to add also - do NOT ever buy the Chocolate Creme flavour of the Cod Liver Oil/Butter Oil. I have only met with a few things that were more disgusting than this and off the top of my head I come up with:
freshly boiled larvae piled in great heaping piles in South Korea
stinky tofu in Taipei markets
and I didn't ever taste any of those things but this Chocolate Creme flavour is absolutely incredibly revolting. I am tempted to chuck the whole bottle were it not for how expensive it is.
So, I guess I am trying to say that I have not been too good with taking the Omega 3 supplement lately, although some days I make myself take a great heaping teaspoonful to get rid of this bottle.
Well, I find I do have things to say after all even if it is only criticism.
I usually cycle to work but for about two months now, I've been tramming it or (rarely, walking) because I've had to put away my Crumpler bag which was giving my neck and shoulder hell.
I have a Cannondale Quick Feminine 3 which I bought two years ago.
I ordered some Ortlieb back roller panniers and a Tubus Logos rear rack from www.probikekit.com. (I'm plugging them because they had free shipping to Australia!)
Should be straightforward, yes?
Not so fast......here we enter into a tangled comedy of errors which is a recurring motif in my life.
Turns out that that roundstays are way, waaaaay too short for my Cannondale. I don't understand this. I've got the shortest little legs and my bike is perfect for a petite person like me. How is it that the supplied roundstays (apparently 240mm long) are too short?
So off I go trawling throught the internet. Thankfully, Tubus supplies different lengths of roundstays. After getting a ruler, I decided that the 350mm length would fit (the longest one they have!!)
Turns out that my delightful probikekit.com does not sell these roundstays, damn it.
Turns out very few online bike stores do.
I ordered one from another UK website which did not have free shipping. I justified the AUD$15 shipping cost by ordering some other cycling bits and bobs.
Turns out that this website which does not clearly state this, ordering 1 Tubus Roundstay 350mm literally means ONE and not ONE PAIR.
How the fuck was I supposed to know? Even Tubus gave me two roundstays with the rear rack and who the hell needs just one? I guess somehow I managed to ignore the fact that the picture on the website was of just one roundstay but damn it, that's near subliminal information, it's not explicit enough!
Imagine me ripping into the parcel and the look on my face as I find one and only one roundstay. I even turned the box upside down to look for the other one.
I wrote the store an email saying it would be helpful if you could maybe write somewhere that this does not come as a pair. I recieved no reply back which was why I decided to order from a different cycling store. It's all about the customer service Cycle Sports UK... Even a sorry about that, we'll take it into consideration would have made me a repeat customer and I would have bitten the bullet with another $15 shipping cost but nothing? Meh.....
I am now waiting for that one roundstay (for the want of a nail....), and an Ortlieb pannier carry system. Heck, I had to justify the US$25 postage cost somehow.
As for The Depression Cure program, I'm afraid it's a case of one step forward, one step back.
Physical Exercise: 0 (yes, 0!) Sunlight Exposure: Started the Philips goLite Blu finally in the morning for 15 minutes when I wake up. Omega 3 Fats: I've been keeping up the 1/2 tsp twice daily and have finished the bottle. I think with the next bottle, I'll increase it by another 1/2 tsp a day as I haven't really noticed any physical benefits. Social Support: Started therapy.
Sleep: ? Engaging activity:?
I have to be honest. I still haven't read through the book. I've avoided it. I've skimmed it. I tend to do that. Be incomplete with things. Half-assed if you like.
I've stood on the threshold of a lot of things, shiny new opportunities, and for most of them, I've turned and gone back into the same tiny little black box of a room that I longed to escape from.
Starting therapy. Well, I've only been hanging on to that referral from my GP since the end of last year and I've probably needed therapy since I was 12. I guess you can see it as a big step forward. It's also my last hope for change. I've played the last ace up my sleeve. I don't know if therapy will work. Maybe I won't like this therapist. I know I need to stop running from myself and maybe this therapist can help me do that because I can't help myself. I really can't. I've broken my heart trying. It's most decidedly erosive to your soul to not only be continuously disappointed in yourself but to also see the disappointment in the eyes of those around you as they slowly realise........you're a failure.
Life at 32 isn't what I thought it would be like when I was 12, or even 20. I never thought it'd be about just getting by.
Maybe therapy will be about becoming ok with that. That's fine. Really. Because the alternative is to continue as I have done and I know where that road will lead eventually.